As a pastors kid I “accepted” Christ at a young age but I didn’t fully grasp what “accepting Christ” really meant. It was what our family did. My earliest memories are being in church, so in reality, as a child, Christ was not really a “choice” for me but rather just part of my daily life and lifestyle.

The same held true as I grew up. In elementary and middle school I felt the pressure of being a pastor’s kid. My parents didn’t make me feel like I had to be perfect and didn’t compare me against other “better” kids – I think the pressure came from within to a degree – just from understanding our family’s position within the church. Often times people would say, “Pastors kids are usually the worst kids” and I think because of that I felt like I had a “free” pass to behave poorly because it was expected anyway.

As I grew older, hitting high school, I fell into my crowd and lived the typical American teen age life. When I wasn’t around my parents I swore and drank and smoked and even tried drugs. God was on the shelf during this time and I would pull Him out on Sunday’s when I went to church.

I think the hardest thing teenagers face in making the leap in their faith from childhood to adulthood is grasping what Christianity really is for themselves and their life rather than understanding it or learning it as their parent’s faith or their parent’s relationship with Christ.

I think this is an area that is lacking in strong teaching and leadership.

For myself, from the age of 15 to 39 (yes it is sad to say it took that long) I never really understood what it really meant to follow Christ. We are taught that once we accept Christ we are forgiven. As lazy humans, it becomes so easy for us to say or believe “It is okay if I do this (insert whatever sin you’d like) because God will forgive me.” I believe there is a piece in each one of us that feels it is okay to “have some fun” because we are forgiven. But right along with that is the watered down Americanized version of Christianity, that believes we work hard and are allowed to break the rules a bit. That we have done our part by going to church on Sunday and that we don’t have to do anymore.

Because I spent so many years living such a double life, this eventually became the Christian truth for me. I think I truly believed I was living a right life with Christ because I went to church and bore the title Christian because I “accepted” Christ into my life as a child, even though I didn’t really understand what that really meant or the true responsibility I now bore in accepting that title.

As a self-professed believer, I became a benchmark for what Christianity was for others. How many people did I turn away from Christ with my actions, words and behavior? How many people did I confuse as to what it really meant to live a life after Christ? I was lazy in my faith, inconsistent in my choices and behavior and most likely led people away from Christ rather than towards Him.

When I was with other believers I played the part to fit in perfectly and when I was with my non-believer friends I played that part to fit in perfectly. Over time this really started taking a toll on my soul. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I really felt like a big hypocrite.

During all of this, God never stopped pursuing me and loving me.

It wasn’t until 2011 that I began to start feeling convicted of my lifestyle. I honestly have no idea how or why it even started. But in my heart, in the far recesses of my soul, I could hear God calling me – I could feel His presence there, hands out, reminding me that I am His. Can you relate?

Over the next two years, that voice became stronger and His hands got closer. I wasn’t really sure how to decipher what was going on. What did God want with me? What was He saying? Was this really God or was I just having a mid-life crisis?

Because I lived so far from God all of these years I had forgotten how to hear His voice. Maybe I never really knew how. But instead of doing something I just sat and waited. I expected God to just spell it out for me instead of expecting that I would have to do any work in this.

I sat on the side lines for years, because I was too scared to make the wrong choice and felt like I didn’t have the time to give to God because all of my time was being sucked up by the things of this world.

Up until this point I would have called myself a follower of Christ – but I was lying.

Then in 2013, everything change. My marriage for the past 12 years had been average at best. We managed our house, work and three kids – but had no love or passion in any of it. We had a lot of little problems that never got addressed and over the years we just kept sweeping them under the rug because we didn’t know how to fix them.

After 12 years of this behavior, Todd and I were exhausted. Tired of our broken promises, hurtful actions and missed expectations – I thought divorce was the only answer.

That week I left with our two girls to Alabama to seek my family’s counsel and to just get away. Todd took our son with him to Pittsburgh to seek his family’s help.

Despite human counsel directing me towards steps of separation, God, in my heart, kept telling me no.

What is amazing to me is that God’s voice was stronger than the physical people in front of me that week. What grew out of this experience was my faith and understanding of God’s love. I can’t explain what transpired in my soul over the next two months. I truly experience God as my counselor. That is one of His names and it was so amazing to live that experience with Him and see Him work in my heart and mind in that way.

I know it is hard to understand how a God who doesn’t audibly talk to us can counsel us. It is difficult to explain other than He doesn’t speak in our ears, He speaks in our hearts.

The interesting thing is when God spoke to me it had very little to do with my relationship with my husband and much more to do with my relationship with Him. What God showed me was my relationship with my husband wasn’t broken – but rather my relationship with God was broken. He showed me that before my marriage could be whole, my relationship with Christ had to be whole. That changed everything for me.

I wanted my relationship with God to be whole. I wanted more.

The Bible says, the more you pursue God the more you want Him. That statement is more true than I would have ever thought. Now I thirst for God, I thirst for knowing Him more and more. I thirst for a stronger and more real relationship with Him daily.

That passion for Christ is what healed my marriage. I am no longer distracted by satan’s lies and my full focus is on Christ which has changed my whole understanding of my relationship with my husband and children. It has changed my understanding of the time I have here. It has changed my whole perception of what is valuable and what isn’t.

I have love in my heart – real love – for the very first time. That only can come from God above.

Now,  I can finally say I get it. I get it and I am all in. No longer am I the lukewarm believer who calls on God when I need him – pulling Him off the shelf like some magic Genie. He is my father, my dad, not a tool or a means to an end. This is a relationship – two ways. I am not to bark my list of needs and wait until He says yes. We live together – and He lives in and through me.

The Bible says when you become a believer – your old self dies and Christ now lives in you. That is what has finally happened. I am dead to this world. My whole focus and drive is to allow Christ to live through me – for His kingdom to grow and His love to be shared with as many people as I can reach while I am here. Nothing else matters.

I have learned that when I get off the sidelines and start moving, God will begin working. One of my old pastors use to say “God can’t steer a parked car.” And that is exactly what I was – a parked car.

Now I am moving and God is working in me. In Luke 6:39-40 it says “Then Jesus gave the following illustration, Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? Students are not greater than their teacher but the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.”

I was the blind person, leading other blind people into a ditch. I am sick over that. I think of all the people I could have shared the truth with but I was too scared I would offend them or that they would think I was crazy or stupid.

If God is truly living inside me and working His will through me, then what should I fear? His love can penetrate even the hardest of hearts. It is my job to reflect Christ and His love – that is all I can do. It is God’s job to save souls. I need to remember that I cannot save anyone, nor should I try. What I am called to do is to show Christ in everything I do and say and let God do the rest.

This was my piece of clarity!!!!  As you walk this journey and seek your piece of clarity – I pray you will find that God daily blesses you with His PEACE of Clarity.

May God bless you and your journey with Him.

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